


Transformation

by octopodian



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, Jewish Character, Trans Barry Allen, Trans Caitlin Snow, Trans Character, Trans Cisco Ramon, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, make the content you want to see in the world!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-22 11:49:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14308035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopodian/pseuds/octopodian
Summary: Character studies of various characters from within the CW Arrowverse, with the added context of them being trans (which, honestly, doesn’t change a lot about their stories)! I’ll have at least 3 chapters for Team Flash, and I’ll see where it goes from there.





	1. Caitlin Snow (Do No Harm)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin Snow’s life, from the perspective of her being trans, starting in her childhood and leading through Killer Frost.

Carla Tannhauser wanted everything to be perfect... but then her husband died.

Chalk it up to emotional trauma, stress, infatuation with her work, or just not bringing herself to care, but Caitlin’s transition was the least of her worries. Her indifference stung, and Caitlin couldn’t help but wish she cared, just a little bit, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t admire it. She always found herself caring too much, no matter how much she tried to repress it. 

Her parents were both doctors, and from the second she’d heard about it, she’d memorized the Hippocratic oath. She recited it with stubborn determination any time someone so much as stepped on a bug. It was the rule she lived by, and it calmed her anxiety, so she indulged it. 

Throughout her life, she found herself wishing others shared the same devotion to doing-no-harm.

She came out Freshman year, more out of necessity than anything else (no one would use her name or pronouns if they didn’t know, and she didn’t pass enough yet to go stealth), and it wasn’t fun. Lexi LaRoche would put bubblegum in her hair while she grew it out, taunting her to cut it short again (she didn’t, she just used peanut butter to get it out and continued on stubbornly). Other classmates would shove her in the hallway, or taunt her with her old name. She quit most clubs and became as secluded as her mother.

Thankfully, she graduated high school a year early, and by the time she went to college, all of her paperwork was correct. She’d even afforded surgery and estrogen (which she didn’t even tell her mom about). No one knew her as anything but Caitlin. It was a fresh start, just like she wanted.

She felt secure, like her transitioning days were behind her, and she would finally have what she felt was a normal life. When she began working at S.T.A.R. Labs, she made new friends and met Ronnie. When she came out to him, he was completely accepting. They were incredibly different, but they fell in love just the same. Even after the particle accelerator exploded and she lost him, Cisco and Wells (and Barry) kept her going. Even after Jay, after letting herself trust someone yet again and having it backfire, she managed. Anything was better than high school.

Then, she became Killer Frost.

The secrets and excuses, trying to repress it, to ‘fix’ it, even being outed (by Cisco, of all people, her best friend, her brother)... it was like high school all over again. At least this time no one put gum in her hair, but having people get hurt because of her (or, because of Killer Frost, she supposed) was worse. Much worse.

She knew they weren’t the same person, not really, that she wasn’t to blame, but that was hardly comforting when it was her hands (the hands she’d hated for so long for how veiny they were, how large) throwing daggers of ice at her closest friends. 

Still, like her own identity, she came to terms with Killer Frost: finding balance in an otherwise hectic relationship. Instead of trying to repress it and hide it, she embraced it, accepted it. Sure, it wasn’t exactly like her childhood, but her prior struggles with identity and expression didn’t exactly hurt. Her friends welcomed her back with open arms, and she felt, once again, stable.

Something else is sure to come up: it always does, with her, and she’s sure her life of struggling isn’t over yet, but she’s proud of where she is. 

She thinks back to the long nights spent watching Christmas movies, the snow swirling around outside, the warmth of a blanket, and knows her dad would be proud, too.


	2. Cisco Ramon

Cisco loves his hair and has always loved it: it’s probably his best feature, along with a stellar smile and winning personality. But, he started realizing he wasn’t a girl, and the kids at his school made it very clear that little boys don’t usually have hair down to their waists. It started getting to him, for reasons he didn’t fully understand, so he shoved it up under a hat whenever he could, and it got frizzy and tangled and Dante teased him for it, but it was better than nothing. It helped ease the confusion that surrounded him more and more, and that was all he needed.

He endured some bullying, but it was mostly people trying to copy his homework. The worst it got was swirlies.

He figured himself out more, as the years went on. He started going by Cisco, first as a casual nickname, and that helped too. He cut his hair shorter (not completely off, he loved it too much, but just off of his shoulders, which felt right). He bought a binder and replaced whatever few feminine clothes he still had (he’d never been a huge fan of dresses or skirts) with uncountable amounts of graphic t-shirts. Slowly, he felt more and more like himself. 

It put all of his childhood crushes on the guys in kindergarten in a new perspective, but he shrugged and took it in stride.

He wasn’t just learning about his gender: he discovered his passion for mechanics while pooling over whichever tech magazines he could scrounge up. He knew what he was passionate about and what he wanted to do, and he was as stubborn as ever to get there.

He got a nice scholarship, got on hormones as soon as he could after graduation, and pursued his passion for building and tinkering. He met Harrison Wells, and soon after, he got a job at S.T.A.R. Labs, where he’d eventually meet his closest friends (all of whom would eventually know). 

His family accepted him, too: there were a few jabs about his fashion sense from Dante, but there was never any malice or significance behind it. They loved him for who he was, not for who they’d thought he was. He’d come over for Passover every year, and they’d laugh and sing Dayenu, and that was that. He was as much their son as any of his brothers. 

And, when he finally told them about his life as Vibe, he was welcomed with just as open arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cisco ramon...... a trans jewish dude who loves dudes? more likely than you think.. im js


	3. Barry Allen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yall know the drill folks

Barry always knew. 

He knows how stereotypical it was, how a lot of trans people don’t know until puberty or much later, but there was never really any doubt for him. On his third birthday, he confidently told his parents that he was a boy, and they took it in stride. They did a lot of research, and after hearing from other parents and reading as many books as they could find, they were very supportive. They let him buy whatever clothes he wanted, helped him change his name, and set him up with the gender clinic, where a nice doctor asked him a lot of questions and, as he'd understand later, eventually got him started on hormone blockers.

His mom and his dad were his safety net, and all of that broke away when Nora died.

When he moved in with Joe and Iris, he was scared of them not being as accepting. It turns out that Joe was the best dad he could have hoped for, though, even if it did take a few weeks (or months) for him to open up.

His life passed uneventfully from there, all things considered: he didn’t fit in a lot at school, but it was mostly due to his interest in forensics and math, not his gender. Only Iris knew, and he trusted her with all of his secrets anyway.

He never had to have top surgery or bind, so for most of his life, he passed as stealth. Still, there was always this wriggling doubt, that somehow everyone around him would find out. He was living a double life, almost: one slip up, and the image other people had of him would shatter.

It’s probably what prepared him to handle having superpowers so well. Leading a double life that only certain people know about? A secret identity you had to keep hidden for your own safety? Check. It was a pretty perfect metaphor.

-

He missed his parents a lot. Not a day went by where he didn’t think about what his life could have been if he’d grown up with them. He tried to save them so many times, and every time just made things worse. 

Still, in Flashpoint, he got his wish. He lived his whole life (or had the memories of doing so, anyway) with his parents. He told them he was a boy, and that he liked boys and girls, and they were completely fine with it. It was the loving family that most people like him only dream of: Joe had been great, but it wasn’t the same, he told himself. It was a lie: Joe was the best dad he could have hoped for, but he was grieving and didn’t know what else to do.

When he finally decided to fix his mess, he left a lot of damage in his wake. His friends were understanding, as always, though it took time.

Time Marches on, and his dysphoria fades to the back burner.

Then, he stares Savitar right in the eyes, and he sees nothing but the things he hates about himself.

His brain just focuses on his hips, says his voice is still too high, that the haircut makes his face look round. He doesn’t know if its true or not: self-loathing is master of deceit.

Savitar must remember all of this, but he doesn’t let on, for better or for worse. 

Once it’s over, he takes a deep breath, and after years of his dysphoria being held at bay, it finally tears him down.

Iris — she’s alive, she’s still alive, and he’ll do anything to keep her that way — holds him close, holds him together, calls him handsome, says that she loves him. They cry together until he can speak without recoiling, or look in the mirror without flinching.

The next morning, he wakes up, takes a deep breath, and knows that he won’t let anything keep him from protecting the ones he loves: not even himself.


End file.
